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Tuesday, March 12th, 2002
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7:06 pm - Sick.
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Joe is coming!!!! HE IS COMING. 17 days.
current mood:  sick
current music: Whiskey in the Jar - Seven Nations
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(comment on this)
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| Saturday, November 10th, 2001
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7:11 pm
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| Tuesday, November 6th, 2001
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1:38 am
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Glassjaw and PTW are so delicious.
ICP, KMK, Corporate Avenger, and Twiztid are too.
Kittie. Yes.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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1:36 am
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1:30 am
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I've been online for nine hours.
Wasn't I gonna go smoke a cigarette?
Fuck that... I'll wait a few hours... I think it's nap time.
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1:29 am
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1:27 am - I give up.
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Music. Cigarette. Move shit on bed. Sleep.
current mood:  tired
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1:25 am
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12:45 am - It's quiet.
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Alone again under the glare of the light that shines above my cluttered computer desk, the house is rather silent, under Mother Moon's darkened blanket and the crickets' lullabies, resisting the urge to fill in the gap with some familiar melodies. How long am I able to sit with my own thoughts? Grateful for the dogs barking downstairs, I turn off the light for the sake of my aching eyes and reluctantly slip on my glasses. Why don't I join my family and go to sleep? Well, that answer is simple: there's too much stuff on my bed that I'm not willing to move for, so I guess I'll stay right here and let my keyboard take the beating. There goes my poetic tone. It's too late at night for poetry, though. Even though some of my best works are created in the early hours of the morn. Yes, indefinitely. Hm. I think I'm going to make a Blog now.
"No, I don't go with fads at all..." Bah. But... whatever... I'm bored... need something to do... mmph. Here goes... nothing.
current mood:  bored
current music: 20 Fingers - "You Gotta Lick It"
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12:11 am - Hey wow.
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12:09 am - Random elaborately weak rant #1
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I am so sick of this life, living here in this state, in this world, it's the same every day, wake up, look at the clock, 6:37 am, 3 more minutes of sleep. My sister comes banging on my door,
"What?" or "Mmm?" is my usual response.
"You up?"
"Yeah," or "Uh huh," I say and sleep until 6:45... even though I promised myself I'd wake up five minutes earlier this morning. But, uh, my life is nothing but broken promises, so what's another? So I wake up, get dressed, force myself to eat something, then go down to the park with Megan and Antron to smoke a cigarette.
I am America's wasted youth. I don't care about my health, my school, almost nothing so long as I can gripe about something. But I'm too smart. Last year, in the psychiatric hospitals, I learned I was too smart to be belittled by those dolts that work there. So, being a 15-yr-old "middle aged woman" (as the phrase was so loverly coined last year), I talked to them as if I were an adult. I'm too smart, they all tell me, that's why I'm so lonely. I am America's wasted youth, I think freedom is a state of mind, but who here is really free?
We grow up; go to school; slave away for hours on end what with schoolwork and all hoping to grow up to taste what we call "freedom" and "independence" but even then you're still a slave! You wake up, go to work, earn money for your child's future, slaving and slaving so your kid can be the best whore for corporate America S/he can be! It's all one big vicious cycle and I'm JADED.
It's as if we're all rats stuffed in a giant cage and I'm the one on the exercise wheel; I'm running and running but not getting anywhere, it's as if I'm trying to escape myself. I'm told people fear what they don't understand. Is that why I fear myself?
I'm 16 now and I've been searching for 7 years to discover who I am and have found nothing but disappointment. I want to go out to Milwaukee with my love, settle down with some Faygo and Ramen and start over again.
What's the point of living your life doing things you don't want to do? I want a relationship that doesn't wind up with somebody leaving. Lord and Lady only know why I'm telling you all this...
The only comforts I have are my pen, my paper, and my knowledge that I'm too smart to fail in life. Actually, I missed two: Wicca and Joe.
I couldn't tell you how much of an impact Joe has made on my life. When it comes down to it, much too much can be attributed to him-- my clothes, my music, but it's nothing like a co dependency problem like it was with Cory, it's just that he introduced me to it all-- and he kicked my butt back into my only true redemption: my religion.
My mother and I fight about it all the time, but that doesn't matter; the Goddess never disapproves of what is justified in my heart. When I've cast a circle, this is when I've truly remembered that soon I'll have another life, and even sooner, I'll be with Joe and things will finally be okay.
"Our day will come, to break these chains and fly away..."
-Seven Nations, "Our Day Will Come"
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, November 5th, 2001
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11:58 pm - Mmph.
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Gotta love how I'm being made fun of. The way I see it, this is my journal. This is where I can vent. And what I vent about isn't to be mocked, simply... read, I guess. Aw, hell, I don't know. *sighs* Guess I'm just tired and grumpy. Erg, I wish that wasn't where I could read it. Bah humbug. I need a vacation... suddenly boarding school somewhere out of state doesn't sound too awful. Yeah, my mom wants me to do that-- if I cut or "threaten to" one more time, poof, Abby's gone. Wa-freaking-hoo. Don't sound too bad right now, though, but I guess after a bit of sleep and de-grumpifying, I should be better. Though my butt hurts. Hm. I still marvel at how... unintelligent I sound when I read the blogs. Bah, I don't care. I talk like a teenager, act like a teenager, damn it, I'm a teenager. *bark* Grump-face Abby. Hey, wow. Jennifer's on. Hm, Jennifer's on, Jennifer and I never get to talk. Yes, yes, Jennifer. Not Jen. Because it's Jennifer, and never Jenny. Ha! Jennifer Kiyomi Sheehan... man, it's been a long day. Joe is a jerk. I love him, but he is a jerk. Jerkity jerk jerk!
Hahaha, Jen and I are talking about her A.C.:
talshiar39 (11:37:02 PM): he's got a job there at the pharmacy
nkotblunchbox (11:37:07 PM): Ewwwwww.
nkotblunchbox (11:37:24 PM): He's uh- really striving for a career, there, isn't he?
Oh, wait. I was talking about Joe being a jerk, wasn't I? Mmph. Well, now I don't remember. But I remember I was mad at him for a reason... heavens knows where my memory went. Bye memory! Byyyye! And Goddess knows where my attention span goes off to... geez. There it went again. But I'm trying to see how long I can stay up... la la la... hey-- I know what I'll do-- I'll type up that rant... yeah, that's right, then I'll share with the class. Yeah! Yeah! There we go! Ha ha ha! I am a genius!
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6:59 am
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| Sunday, November 4th, 2001
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8:41 pm - Feel like writing
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Dunno why... feel kinda... creative... nothing to write, really-- just... blah. Hey. You. Go to my poetry library. www.pathetic.org/library/2432
Make yourself useful.
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6:45 pm - I have to sneeze.
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It's stuck and this sucks. Yeah, okay, so today wasn't such a wonderful day, I did get to eat out today-- it wasn't BK, but w/e, no matter. I saw my grandmother-- who knows she's going to die soon, she's probably not gonna see Thanksgiving, that's what my mom says. So she's feeling very mortal and very scared. The thing that pisses me off most about this is that I don't feel compassion for her-- I feel envy. Isn't that sick? She's living out my dream: to be laying down looking back on it all, counting up my regrets and blessings, then in a few months, closing my eyes and sleeping forever. And the sicker part is, those who have sat there cursing her name for years are now wishing her the best to her face, then we get to the car and there's a brief celebration of sorts. That's disgusting.
Home, home, home... where ever home may be, I want to be there, I want to be with Joe, I want to be anywhere but here. I know I do a lot of things that are wrong... a lot more things that will kill me. But nothing do I yearn for more than rest. Joe, Joe, Joe... only nine months more 'til he's here. Nine months too many, I can't wait-- I need him here... I want him so badly. Why does my life revolve around guys? Why do I need them to feel better about myself? *shakes head* I need to talk to him.
current mood: depressed
current music: "Christians Murdered Indians" - Corporate Avenger
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9:47 am - Awwww, yeah...
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Man, last night and yesterday RULED!!! I slept from 2 PM until now. I woke up, looked out the window and said, "Mmph. Still daylight? But it is kinda cold for it to still be around 4 PM... what time is it?" Booted up my pooter... holy Lady, it's near 9 am. I wanted to go back to sleep, but considering that I had ~19 hrs of sleep, I decided to stay on. Besides, I would have had to get up and go Grandma-sit soon. Might I just say... "ick?" Let's just hope I get some BK out of this, because I'm desperately craving some fast food. Yeah, it has to be PMS time, because... man, I want some carbs like NONE OTHER! My apologies to those who don't normally talk to me, but uh-- I'm blunt. Always have been, always will be. Man... I feel sorry for my children... *shrug* Oh well, I'm not having kids. Even though Joe wants two at the least-- can anybody just imagine ME pregnant? I'll be a head, four limbs, and like the blueberry girl from Willy Wonka otherwise. "Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker." I'm so hyper hyper today.
I firmly believe that if you start off your day with peppy music, then that's how you're gonna act for the rest of the day-- prolly 'coz it's stuck in yer head for the rest of the day, like RuPaul is gonna be stuck in my head all day-- "You'd better WOOORK, work it girl!... I have one thing to say: Sashe, Shante!" Aw, man, today's gonna be a good day. A GOOD DAY! 'COZ I SAID SO!!!! "Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it well and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."
Believe it or not, folks, I AM WEARING PANTS! PAAANNNNNTS! Who's proud of me?
ALL PRAISE ORAL SEX!!! "Ya gotta lick it, so we can kick it, you gotta get it soft and wet so we can kick it!" TODAY IS ALREADY A GOOD DAY! I HAVE A QUADRUPLE DOSE OF MY MEDS TODAY SO I AM HYYYYYYPERSVILLE! WOO! (People visiting from Blog are probably raising an eyebrow and wondering what drugs I'm on...) Just prescription Adderall and songs that praise oral sex. I'm a big fan of oral sex. Yay sex! WOOO! "Just put in my mouuuuuth, my muthafuckin mouuuuuth..."
I wonder if anybody has noticed that my right foot fingers aren't painted. I have to say that Dennis Leary is hysterical... I can relate to him so well. He isn't exactly anti-American, but it's fun to make fun of them! Like me... I'm not one screaming, "ANARRRRCHYYYY!" though I have "Freedom is a state of mind" on my backpack... but whatever. "I'm an asshole... an assholllllleeee..." A-S-S-H-O-L-E! "Sometimes I park in handicapped spaces while handicapped people make handicapped faces..." Oooh! Dennis Leary makes me happy.
WOO! TODAY IS GONNA BE A GOOD DAY!
current mood:  giddy
current music: "Asshole" - Dennis Leary
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| Wednesday, October 31st, 2001
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5:17 pm
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Well. Yeah, today was weird. I skipped 5th-7th periods with Megan, Antron and Bobby (my family, I guess, we're always together) and went to smoke a jack and like... I have almost no memory of this afternoon--- I was writing all day.
"I want to leave. I don't know exactly where home is, but I know that wherever it is, it's with my Joe. regardless of the situation, I know he will rescue me from my hell... he will be there for me. he always has been there and I have good reason to believe that he always will be. Joe has forgiven me for every mistake I have made and for every time I have ever hurt him. but what about the times when I got hurt? I mean... Joe is my world... but sometimes I feel like I don't even know him half the time. he hides himself so well... keeps himself at a distance... maybe when we're together, that will change.
I want to die. emptiness is all that exists inside of me. how do I go on with all this pain inside of me? I feel so alone and bored with life all the time. slave... I am a slave. imprisoned by my own emotions, my body's enemy is my tears. I am drowning in a sea of monotony trying desperately to get my head above the water. the waves are rough and I can't swim. there's a fucking hurricane going on in here and I am still waiting for the eye of the eye of the storm.
who am I? can anybody hear me? I'm so tired of being in this world with people who don't understand me. I long for the days when I so happily could rest in my lover's arms in our cottage. the days when I knew where home was. with my noble steed and my open meadows where elves, fae and dragons could roam free without shield or masks. I am an old lost warrior long since retired from the battlefield, too tired and too old to go on--- my mission is to teach--- but I don't know what I'm teaching--- I must relearn everything I know in order to finish my last life and be done with it all... to finally rest with my dragon heart in our land created just for us... what would I do without Joe around? no sanity, no sympathy, no love. we're meant to be together. my home is in him."
A page and a half written in Dragon Script. And I have to say it... damn does my hand HURT like m-f. I did get a poem written yesterday, though, and today in class I had to write some retarded poem on a visit to a dentist that has to be 15-20 lines and create a certain tone of our choice. How am I gonna write on a f---in trip to the dentist?? I'm a serious poet-- I don't write on trips to the dentist... this is a personal insult. *pouts* MAAAAAAA! I'UN WANNA WRITE A DENTIST POEM! The sad thing is that what I have is pretty good. That's pathetic.
Hm... from what I remember, 5th-7th, the four of us went to Dogwood Park because we all had a bad feeling about Elwood Smith Park and the security guards there, so we dipped out and went to Dogwood... but it wasn't the same without our picnic table that we vandalize all the time. In Dogwood, Megan kinda helped me out with my algebra, I have a test on Friday that I'm not looking forward to. I'm going to bomb it unless I seriously cram tomorrow and the next day--- the only thing that sucked about skipping is that I couldn't go to Black Masker's (drama club) after school 'coz my 6th period teacher is head of the club and well... that just doesn't go very well with my whole, "I had a doctor's appt." thinger.
Hm. It certainly is fabulous to have people that I do everything with, though. I've never been part of a "clique" before. Truly, these three people mean so much to me, and I don't know what I'm going to do without them when they all graduate this year. *frown* Who am I going to eat macaroni, ditch class, listen to cheesy music and vandalize city property with? Wait a minute- I'm getting ahead of myself again, aren't I?
So of course, my homework isn't done, I have Algebra II, MWH, and English to do- as per usual. PITA PITA PITA! Grr grr grr, I'm still bitter about that whole dentist assignment. I have ink on my foot. I'm in such a random mood today... my brain is scattered. I think it's the full moon. Tomorrow is going to be hell... it's going to be a full moon and Halloween. My sister's birthday is tomorrow. I think that's why she's so crazy... because she was born on Samhain and everybody got a piece of her. Damn the family gift sometimes. G- to the R- to the double RR!
Antron was laying on my bed freestyling before he went home today. That was funny, too, because he was just sitting there making up different words to Aaliyah's songs.
Mm. I was just reading the "blogs" (Those nerds... heh, I only say that because I care) or journals of my good friend Jennifer's friends. Now, Jen is in the IB program. With good reason: she's a damn hard worker and a genius. Me? I've been an underachiever since fourth grade and I'm damn proud of it. Anyway... we'll get to that point later on in the journal. Back to my point, then, shall we? Yes. We shall. (They always tell you that talking to yourself isn't bad so long as you don't respond. Well, I respond... is that bad?) Those kids are amazing. They're not even 18 yet and politics, school, literature, art... all these things are what matter to them and they're unafraid to show it. I personally don't like the whole controlled life thing at all, when I learn to survive on my own with herbs for medicines and the like, I'm moving out to the wildnerness somewhere and doing what *I* want to do... I'm not going to be a whore for corporate America. (That rant will come soon--- I'm still typing it.)
The way I see it is... I'm intelligent, I'm bright, I'm mature, I *could* fit in with the IB people if I wanted to... only I don't want to. And they actually make me feel stupid because I don't pay attention to the news, I don't listen to the radio or watch TV or read the paper... I like to exist in my own world of suburban Rockville. If I do pay attention to the news, I get horribly depressed and the last thing I need is more "teenage angst" as the phrase was coined amongst the Bloggers. I have enough as is. Hrm... I have a lot to say tonight, don't I? Unusual... lots on my mind lately.
But I guess what I'm trying to say is that those kids are really cool. The outward intellectual people are truly admirable. But it's strange, Jen and I are still pretty close, I mean, she and I are good friends and all, but I never talk to her anymore. Our interests have separated... put simply? I'm a pothead slut and Jen's going to go somewhere with her life. It's really just that simple. (Random time: Don't you hate it when after wearing your glasses all day and you take them off... you like... can't see and stuff? Okay, there goes my point of me being stupid again) I mean, sure, eventually I'll clean up my act, start actually going to class and quit smoking weed and all, but... not now. I guess my conclusion comes to this: I'm enjoying my life, Jen's enjoying hers. And I thank the Goddess every day that Jen didn't hang out with my friends and I when I started, because I truly believe myself to be a bad influence on people. But hell... I only corrupt the ones that want it. I did my work with Jen, heh heh... not really, I just talked to her a lot for three years.
Antron and I corrupted Megan--- she now smokes cigarettes, weed and she drinks. (The drinking was all T-Dawg, dude, I don't drink, Joe doesn't approve of it) I think Little Miss Big Mouth has run out of things to say for tonight. I think it's time to do Algebra because I think I'm almost failing already from hooking class so much. So this is where I depart. Bye kids!
current mood:  weird
current music: Violent Femmes - "Country Death Song"
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1:01 am
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LMFAO... I just realized that when I was talking to Crimmy's mom yesterday, I just put my icon up... a psychedelic pot leaf... five minutes prior.
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12:32 am
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Why does the client work but not the web site?! That's RETARDED!!
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| Sunday, October 28th, 2001
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10:54 am - Hahahahaa!!!
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"We aren't dating anymore though. I hate labels, and she just wants to make me happy. I can say I don't see anyone but her though. So I think its safe to say I wont be cheating on her. I don't find other girls attractive when I'm dating someone.. Especially someone as pretty as Carrie." He cheated on her already! He kissed me! Hah! Fucking moron! Oh, lord, why do I bother? I don't even care anymore, I have Joe... and boy do I miss Joe. I also have David and ET... three boyfriends, heavens to Betsy... anyway.
I miss Joe so badly... he went to go see "his" Sarah... and that night was a bad night, too, I was already depressed... though high, heh, and we talked for a bit on the phone--- and I'm gonna get in trouble for that call. She called and he clicked over, keeping me on hold to talk to another person (which I fucking hate already, I will never have call waiting on my phone) then he hung up on me to talk to her. They live in the same state; he was gonna go see her the next day, leaving me for four days--- and he's gonna hang up on me to talk to her?
DeborahLighthart (12:11:28 AM): He is being an ass, Nothing is going on with her, you know that right?
nkotblunchbox (12:11:40 AM): ...Joe's sensitivity speil is slipping
nkotblunchbox (12:11:53 AM): I know, I'm just jealous that he's closer to her than he is to me
DeborahLighthart (12:12:08 AM): No, he pretneds to be closer
DeborahLighthart (12:12:29 AM): He plays a lot of games
nkotblunchbox (12:12:33 AM): Does a damn good job of it. I hardly understand that boy half the time.
DeborahLighthart (12:12:51 AM): I know he loves you, I know he does
nkotblunchbox (12:12:53 AM): Why?! Pisses the hell out of me, I like people that are blunt and he likes to make me think
nkotblunchbox (12:13:07 AM): I know he does, too, but he irritates me to no end!
DeborahLighthart (12:13:29 AM): I know, he has some trouble in being too close to people
DeborahLighthart (12:13:45 AM): When he loves someone, he acts more like a jerk
nkotblunchbox (12:14:09 AM): *barks* He's testing me.
nkotblunchbox (12:14:18 AM): He's always testing me.
DeborahLighthart (12:14:25 AM): I hope you know how much he loves you. She is just a friend to him. And yes, he tests always
DeborahLighthart (12:14:40 AM): His wants to be a permanent puzzle and perpetual test
nkotblunchbox (12:14:57 AM): Right now, he's just a permanent perpetual pain in the ass
DeborahLighthart (12:15:18 AM): ~laughs~ Yes, that is Joe.
He is such a pain in the ass!! *sighs* But I love him. I can't rest without him--- an hour to two hours a sleep per every two days until my body crashes... that was the past few days. Even now I can't rest... keep wondering where he is and if he's okay. I know I'm so desperately in love with him, the first time I ever talked to him on the phone I stated truthfully and simply that I was gonna fall in love with him within days. And I really did... the problem was I still loved Cory and I had to choose--- because the two of them were fighting for spolight. Sigh.
Joe likes Sarah so much because there's a sense of safety there... he knows that it's not gonna go anywhere... but he's terrified of me, because we have something real. He plays these games so he can feel loved. I pity the boy. I feel sorry for him when I see the games played... drives me nuts when I have to apologize to my friends for his behavior... he's not comfortable with my friends yet because he doesn't know who's first in my life. Sigh.
current mood:  annoyed
current music: Tori Amos - China
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skycladstareyes's journal